This exciting new pattern has been scientifically formulated with an exotic blend of trendy prints to sell like cakes hotter than “That’s hot” ever was. (And then it’ll wane for like a minute, and then it’ll be retro.)

So I went to the mall last night to find pants and a button down shirt for my EXCITING AND THRILLING job interview on MONDAY. You would not believe how difficult it was to find solid gray dress pants and a solid colored shirt without embellishment — or maybe you would if you’ve gone shopping in the last several years — but my point is that everything is so ridiculously over the top ugly these days and I hate everything. Except! I do not hate that I have a job interview.

I am not entirely thrilled with the results of my expedition and I am concerned I have become the wizened office goth lady who only owns things in black and gray and the darker shades in the red and purple spectrum. Do I remedy this by branching out into brown or navy? Or do I just stab myself in the eye and bleed to death on the carpet of Lane Bryant?

Tonight I am going to get a long overdue haircut for this interview and afterward I will drink a beer while watching a friend’s band. Will I do so with long or not-long hair? Will there be bangs-bangs or fancy side-swept bangs? I cannot say! I will not know until I consult with the expert who has not ever steered me wrong so why am I so weirdly anxious about this? I have nothing to say with regards to that either!

I can say this, though: Job interview! I wasn’t going to get too excited but I can’t help it. I’ve gotten lots of calls about jobs in places I don’t really want to live and this is the first one for a place where I want to relocate. And it’s for something I would feel really good about doing; actually helping people. So wish me luck in the event my textile design genius doesn’t take off. But how could it not? I used science! Like — observation and percentages and stuff. C’mon.

(You try and find a head-on shot of Steven Novella before you go knockin’ my skillz. And if you do, send it to me, cuz it’s driving me crazy.)