Comrade Sisters! Tom Purcell is on to us and our girlification of the menfolk. It is true.

This man, this hunka hunka macho manly man-ness, has sounded an alarm that’s totally new and the guys are probably going to give him some manner of phallus-shaped trophy for his exceptional work in preserving all that is great and good and worthwhile in the world: hard men.

You know hard men? The opposite of soft men who are the men we’ve created with our insistence on controlling our reproductive systems, which alters our strange womenbrains and confuses us into not wanting to go to Boner Town with the square-jawed types who don’t groom, love breaking their expensive electronic gadgets they shove carelessly into their pockets, and who apparently don’t read so have no need to transport books anywhere, ever? Right. Those guys.

Sisters, get ready for the Rebirth of Proper Manhood inspired by what will surely someday be known as Purcellian heroism! All of us. Yes, even us. Look, it is Tom Purcell’s world and it doesn’t matter that not everyone is heterosexual. Friends, I don’t make the rules. That’s why we have hard men like Tom Purcell, hardest and real-est of real hard men to tell it like it is.

Except, according to an earlier columns by Purcell, women have already won the war. So I’m a little confused, but that may just be my unfortunate genetic start as a gatherer of berries and not knowledge. Did you know we make more than the menfolk? Which made them sad and opt to give up… and go to the salon to make themselves pretty for us? No? Or that real men don’t like to clean, (but I guess all us women love it?) Well, good thing Tom Purcell is around to explain things with evolutionary psychology wankery, right? I could just keep linking and linking to his insightful take on previously-undiscussed topics, but I just don’t have time what with my amazing high salaried career and all the time I’m obviously spending oogling pop stars.

So, who is this wily and dangerous Tom Purcell, you ask? He is a nationally syndicated humor columnist. Yes, humor, that thing we women lack. But don’t worry, you can be sure he is a funny guy because his blurb says so. He is also single. But you knew that.