This is a collection of short clips from other places I’ve written online.

standards of tragedy

Lou Tellegen, stage actor, silent film star and one of the golden age of Hollywood’s most handsome and scandalous characters (having broken an engagement with Sarah Bernhardt [30-some years his senior] and married and divorced diva Geraldine Ferrar, among others) was disfigured in a horrible fire, lost in the fickle tides of fame and found in pile of his newspaper clippings and blood after stabbing himself seven times with a pair of dull sewing scissors. That is tragedy. What you have – is more of a comeuppance, asshole. [2006]

i want olives and tylenol. and a pillow made of ducklings just hatched.

I woke up before noon with all intentions of scrubbing various appliances and fixtures, and moving things about into better places, the sort so obvious I’ll never find them again even if I cared to look. But now it’s already tomorrow, and a slice of quiche and four naps later all the mess and dust is still hanging on and the wine is gone. Not a drop in the whole damned place, which I didn’t think was even possible because it’s never happened before. So now, since I can still find everything else I’m looking for someone to blame. And I’m pretty sure it was the cats as the smaller of the two has the hiccups and the bigger one is sobbing in the filthy bathroom and on about “does this coat make me look fat?” (It does. But what’re you gonna do?) I tried to tell him he’s just more to love, but that puss is inconsolable. A complete and total basket case. But I love the li’l dumpling, I do. Even if that was the good Riesling I was saving for motivation on cleaning day. [08-19-2007]

bad platitude

You can catch even more flies with shit. If you want flies, that is. Regardless of the quantity attracted compared to that of other substances, honey still brings flies as well as ants, vermin, and possibly bears. I see no good reason to continue propagating this dangerous falsehood. [12-14-2007]

toast

A four slice toaster means you can both have the standard serving of toast at exactly the same time without having to interrupt your breakfast to repeat steps Bread through Butter. It takes up more space on the counter than the two-slicer but slightly less space than a toaster oven, which could produce the same results while aiding with a larger variety of toasting tasks throughout the day.

A two-slice toaster is much more romantic because you have to share, or someone makes the sacrifice of hot, buttered immediacy. But why fuss over synchronized toast if you don’t have a two-burner griddle to make an omelet for two? The obvious answer to this dilemma would be to add both to the registry. [06-03-2008]