In an accidental feat of awesome timing, Don Netflixed The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T and we watched it on Sunday before even realizing Monday was Dr. Seuss’s birthday. (Thanks Google!)
This live-action musical is visually interesting and perfect for a Dr. Seuss tale. The sets and costumes, and even the musical instruments have all of the whimsy required for a Suessian world. The 500 seat piano set is incredible and the furniture in Mrs. C’s and Dr. T’s suites are fabulously wonky. But the story and the characters were maddening.
Don’t let your little boys take music lessons or they’ll turn into fruity fascist wackos, says this film. No really. As the film progressed we found ourselves turning slowly to each other with our mouths open, our eyebrows at their WTF positions.
The incessant hammering of “musicians are queer” and “this is what happens when you don’t let boys play baseball!” was overwhelming to the point of absurdity. Boys must be allowed to be REAL BOYS. The horror of this mother being brainwashed into thinking piano lessons are something her fatherless son should do! It’s like seeing Touch of Evil for the first time and choking on your iced tea when you see Charlton Heston painted brown. First you think “How can this be real?” and then you think “How could I forget that this is totally real?”
Wikipedia notes, “Although he had written the original treatment and all the song lyrics, Geisel himself regarded the finished film as a ‘debaculous fiasco’ and omitted any mention of it in his official biography with Random House.” I want to read his biography to see what sort of mommy issues he had. Why the hatred of the piano? Why the need to swishify the villain? The whole thing just seems so shocking coming from the man who created lasting works that introduced children to political and moral issues like racism (The Sneetches), environmentalism (The Lorax), and internationalism (Horton Hears a Who!).
Here’s a clip of an awesome song sung by the villain as his team of dressing men help him suit up for the grand opening of his institute:
Awesome! He is supposed to be the villain? Because I would LOVE my sons to grow up like this!