I rule over the forty and the nine kinds of serpents.

[writing prompt: Live Science | Ancient Egyptian Handbook of Spells Deciphered. Originally written 11/24/2014.]

“Nice to meet you, Baktiotha. So what do you do?”

“I rule over the forty and the nine kinds of serpents.”

“So, just like, some of the snakes?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Not even any of the other reptiles?”

“Um. No. Say where did you get that mini quiche? Are they bringing those around? … Bartender, I will require ten and one glasses of the Obelisk cab. Just keep them coming.”

Always timely article pitches

Article pitches I am happy to provide for your lifestyle and culture compendium which will never be off topic:

  • I Can’t Even So You Shouldn’t Have: Why do people continue to care about things I don’t care about?
  • Let’s talk about how everyone should shut up about things I don’t want to hear about.
  • Trends are for Other People: the inherent dullness of interests outside my own.
  • You had fifteen minutes to acceptably mention that former trend and now you are dead to us too.

(The difference is purely tone.)

catcore project

Track-list for my upcoming catcore project’s album:

  1. Someone Entering the Kitchen
  2. Are You, Perhaps, Heading Into the Kitchen?
  3. The Person Has Returned (Jingling Keys Mix)
  4. A Pizza Box Opens
  5. The Moving About and Opening of Cans (Tuna version)
  6. The Opening of Cans (Savory Pate dub)
  7. The Opening of Cans (Oh, Just Green Beans remix)
  8. Crinkling Paper Jam


Not a spider (news inspired fiction)

No, a spider did not burrow under a man’s skin and live for three days. [io9]

“It was most certainly not a spider,” the arachnid specialist assured the press conference.

“It was most certainly not a spider,” the arachnid specialist said again adding, “Hearing this story, my first thought is ‘Why would a spider have any interest in an appendectomy scar?’’’

“It was most certainly not a spider,” continued the arachnid specialist. “A spider knows very little of internal human anatomy and would not even know an appendectomy scar could be an entrance.”

“It was most certainly not a spider,” said the arachnid curator of Arachnology (Emeritus), joining the conversation thread. “There is just no historical evidence of interest in under-human-skin travel by any spider populations. A three day trip, burrowing about the torso of a human male? This does not fit with spider customs at all.”

“It was most certainly not a spider,” the arachnologist repeated. “While one cannot rule out the  possibility of environmental and cultural shifts creating subtle differences in behavior as inter-species influence affects social mores — but, I ask, why would a spider want to crawl around inside someone like a mere parasite? A spider surely would not.”

“It was most certainly not a spider,” the arachnid researcher from the Arthropod Institute affirmed. “My initial reaction is that you are looking for a completely different animal. I’m not one to speculate or point a claw but in my professional opinion I see this the work of a mite.”

“It was certainly not a spider,” said the arachnid specialist.

“Certainly not a spider,” the arachnid curator emphasized.

“Not a spider,” concluded the arachnid researcher.